Classroom Confidential

I used to work at a college. English teacher. I was really pretty good. Anyhow my beautiful fiancé began sleeping with students. One was called Mike. I’m not into the whole “Well, there’s too much of a power difference involved” saying of folks who disagree with faculty-student intimacies. But funnily enough she married a guy who also screwed his students. It is so, so, so tempting to ask them which of their students was the father or mother of their kids. Screwing your students is tempting, yes, but ultimately tacky.

Is it tacky on the students’ part? Nope. I know more about grades than anyone alive. And if you have sex with your prof (good sex) you are going to get a better grade. And even if you don’t, if we like you, you’re going to get a better grade.

So, should you sleep with your prof? My instinct says no. But if you want to…hey!

I’ve had many, many, many opportunities to have sex with students in my thirty-six semesters teaching at the college level. Once in snowstorm. Many times in my office. Once on the auditorium stage! Etcetera. Tempting as these opportunities were, I couldn’t bring myself to screw my students. It’s not illegal. They are after all adults. Hell, Ted Hughes did it! Why not me? Because I have a respect for the teacher-student relationship. I just didn’t do it. It’s tacky. And I don’t like tacky. Ya, ya, ya. I know I sound like the goddamn Pope.

But if you do want to sleep with your prof here’s what to do. It’s called the SLANT-V method. Incidentally, (screwing or not) this will probably raise your grade as well give you a better grip on the material. Trust me. S: sit up front, smile. L: lean forward like everything he/she says is gospel and deserving of apostolic attention. A: ask questions! Show up smiling in your front row seat with one or two questions from the reading. If you can, do outside reading—especially any articles or books published by your prof. This is important. Teachers are show offs. And professors are big show offs. So am I. They know more about their subject than you ever will. Most of them will love questions about their subject. N: nod like all is making wonderful, wonderful sense. T: track. Teachers tend to walk back and forth, so keep your eyes on the woman or man and make eye contact (nodding and smiling) when you can. V: visit them during their office hours. I can’t stress this one enough! Very few profs have students take advantage (no pun intended) of office hours.

Should you slide into the prof’s office wearing tight clothing and (if a woman) loads of makeup like they do in the movies? Nope. Just follow the above advice. And show up with a few questions about your work and his or her work. This is a perfect time to ask clarifying questions about the material and make sure the prof can match the name on the roster to the face of this bright, diligent and really quite attractive and sexy student.

Colleges (including our five) frown on faculty-student screwing. I believe that’s good policy. However, many of my colleagues disagree. And some of the folks I went to college with have various opinions.

One of them, Ben, spoke of a Umass math prof who was “banging” a student and eventually married her! But Ben added that “[professor-student sex] smells like taking advantage of inherent inequalities in realms of age, maturity, power etc, even if it isn't clearly across the line vis-a-vis legality,” Ben adds that “she [the student] was the aggressor. Started actual banging the prof after semester ended, though they were heading there during.” This is an important point. More potential ethical and legal headaches for school and professor will arise if the banging happens while the student is still in the course—or, even, still in the school.

Another Umass alum, “Kelley”, now a high school teacher, believes of teacher-student sex that “it's a bad scenario for the person who doesn't have the power in the situation (usually the *younger* girl.) The adult in the situation should know better and not react to such temptation.”

Power. We teachers do have it. Some of us abuse it. Think of the cutest teacher you ever had a crush on. The one you think must have clawed her way out of the cover of Hustler or whatever the boy version is. Why didn’t you have sex with him or her? Why? Because it’s probably a bad idea. One very little known (and very little) power of even the lowliest college instructors is that we can change the grades given whenever we want. Granted, only a petty scrub would do that because of a fling that turned bad; however, it’s still something to think about.

But if you really, really want, need, have to get with your prof…go for it…preferably after the course is done.


john frances has been teaching college courses since 1993 at four different colleges including UMass-Amherst. He's published and presented on issues relating to composition, gender, and education.